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Don’t get me wrong. I cannot compete with our revolutionary poet, Sir Allama Muhammad Iqbal, and his ideas on Shikwa and Jawab e Shikwa but the words seemed perfect to describe my own journey of marriage.
I wanted to share with you all how I came to terms with it and all that I ever felt in this time. So please bear with me and enjoy the ups and downs.
Marriage is one of the biggest realities of any society but more so Pakistan because that is all that we ever talk about. Especially when it comes to women.
Marriages in other parts of the world may have evolved to be more about human connection and the bond of love but here it is more of a social obligation which everyone at least has to pretend to succeed in.
And that goes for both men and women because the institution of marriage is rather enforced and perhaps that is the reason it is also failing. The society over time has evolved, at least in the urban centers of the country but the idea of marriage has remained very traditional. There is this general lack of acceptance for people choosing their own life partners. The society faces this weird dilemma where they believe that their children are old enough to get married, have babies and make their own living but they are not considered old enough to choose their own life partners.
Right after college or university ends, a pressure starts mounting on both men and women to settle down. And the experience varies for both individuals. For me, it was about accepting a whole new reality and changing bases. It was about finding a new home and that in itself is one of the most difficult tasks because it is almost equivalent to adopting a new identity. For men, I am sure they have their own demons to deal with too. And only they can explain better but one that is the most evident is this responsibility to take care of an individual and provide for her, and in many cases, also provide for his own family. These are not easy tasks to comprehend and come to terms with.
In all of this, what can really help people be comfortable with this life change is the space to choose their own life partner. Luckily with me, I had that space.
I had known the person for a good period of time to assess whether or not we would be able to manage a marital relationship.
Despite that, I had certain reservations and certain notions that I had to deal with. Just to mock my own misery, I divided my coming to terms with marriage into five stages of grief. Yes, laugh at me all you want and I do know that it is funny but keeping my mind busy with theories is what keeps me calm.
The five stages of grief were postulated by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and these are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
So, let’s go over these stages of grief. The first is denial. I remember that after my marriage was finalized, I could not fathom another life. I pushed the idea away, just to calm down my body. I did not want to have a conversation about it unless it was absolutely necessary.
The next stage to follow was that of anger. Since I am a career oriented woman, I never grew up thinking about marriage. It was never something that I thought would happen earlier on in my life and that too, with my own choice. I was angry that people only ever wanted to talk about my marriage and expected me to not talk about problems related to other things in my life, now that I had met Mr. Right.
This notion that women who have found a husband can only ever be happy would bother me because they completely fail to understand that while marriage is a significant aspect of life, it is not the only one.
After living with this anger for a while, I moved on to the next stage, which is bargaining. I feel that anxiety and bargaining go side by side. This part is related to how things would turn out afterward and the series of pre-conceived notions that make you think obsessively. “What will happen post marriage?” “Will my freedom be curtailed?” “What about my work?” “Will we have saas-bahu fights?” This was the point where I completely exhausted myself with overthinking and asked my father to delay the marriage. My father understood that I was just overthinking and decided to tell me that I sound like a fool. (I am not, okay? Ok, you can laugh a little at me.)
The sense of helplessness transcends into the next stage, which is depression.
I woke up one day and just could not go to work, the thoughts became overbearing with the realization that the change about to take place was massive.
The worst bit is that it is not even acknowledged by anyone – because women have been leaving their homes for centuries, people just take it as a by-the-way thing without realizing how emotionally draining the process is.
I had to take a break off work to calm myself down because the panic attacks over time had increased and I did not know what to do with myself. It took me about a month to come to terms with everything that was happening and then prepare myself to wholeheartedly take part in the festivities and manage the work which was expected of me. That, my friends, is the last stage of grief.
And it is called acceptance, and acceptance of anything, any change takes time. This goes for everything in your life – family, career, and life choices.
We are so indoctrinated that it takes every bit of us to come to terms with something and then enjoy life as it comes by.
Now that brings us to the actual preparations, but I think you should read about that in the next piece. See you next time!
coverimage via weddingpakistani.com
tags: 5 stages of grief anger anxiety Arranged Marriages bargaining depression Desi Weddings Love Marriages patriarchy Shaadi Diaries Social Stigma Tabboos Wedding in Pakistan
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That was such a nice article. Relatable enough. Keep up the good work.