The Shaadi Diaries: Jawab-e-Shikwa

I left my last piece with the promise that I will talk about the preparations. And that’s precisely what I am going to do. I believe the preparation for marriage should be divided into two types: mental and physical.

I took my time to deal with the mental aspect of it so that nothing feels rushed or enforced.

And yes, while the body takes some time to settle with the idea of this completely different life, you eventually make peace with it. This is also largely dependent on the kind of person you are marrying and the kind of bond you develop with the family.

The physical preparation involved the interaction with families and planning out the details of the wedding

We all hesitate before introducing someone at home. In this part of the world, acceptance also depends on how the person bonds with the family. And while it is not an easy task for parents to accept an outsider, our parents very intelligently provided us with space and the support to go ahead with the decision.

The Pakistani wedding culture has evolved to be more of a burden on parents rather than an occasion they can enjoy. For the woman’s family, dowry instead of being an option has become a compulsion. And there is an immense amount of pressure on the man to earn a hefty sum right after graduation along with being prepared to take responsibility for another human being. With our wedding, we decided to shun such practices. We also wanted to set the precedent that weddings do not have to be a three-day affair if that drains the family out. It can be a one-day event where everyone is comfortable.

We worked out a date, asked the convenience of our families and got together to work out the minor details.

We wanted our nikkah to be very low-key with just our family members, so we decided to keep it a day before our reception. Daytime would make it easier for families and relatives and friends coming from far off places to reach the venue. We both wanted to wear clothes that are comfortable and just the right amount of formal for any event. Of course, everyone has their own preferences and the liberty to follow them, ours was to be comfortable enough to enjoy the event and be ourselves. We also wanted to have such a setup that would allow us to move around. I don’t like ceremonies that restrict movement for the couple while the rest of the lot has fun. So we decided to let go of the wedding stage and just meet the people who joined us in the celebration and enjoy the music and food with them.

Although everything might be hunky dorky, preparing for the wedding is actual work. There is so much to do, especially if you are working. (Did I mention that after a month’s break from work, I joined back?)

You have to find the right balance in your routine to manage both wedding preparations and your work. And I was always this adamant child who wanted to manage her own wedding and not make it a burden for my father, so while I was having fun planning everything, its execution was certainly very tiresome.

Just having one event actually cuts the work by half. However, the problem here is finding people who will do the kind of work that you actually want them to. Weddings are planned in a specific manner here and if someone wants something different, it takes a lot of effort to find someone who understands what you want and can actually execute it as well.

From finding someone to make the cards that we wanted, to our clothes, and the accessories – every bit of it was excruciating. The one thing that I have learned about the Pakistani market is that despite being quite established per se in their work, you have to oversee everything to ensure that the work is being done the way you want it to be done.

One thing that I would definitely recommend everyone is that start planning in due time. And lesson number one in planning is always that people here have not learned the art of responding in time and dropping a text that they are busy. That will be a pain to deal with. You will have to explain over and over again your preferences and while some information will be retained, some of it will be conveniently lost. I would also suggest keeping a planner – this practice will allow you to keep track of everything and ensure that everything is done in a timely manner.

I would work during the day and the evenings would be dedicated to deciding everything.

I would also like to recommend men and women both to take this time before the wedding to bond with the family and help them cope with the change that everyone will experience. For women, it is important to let go of this age-old idea that they can no longer visit as often and will no longer be a part of what goes on at home. Despite moving, no one can change their families and their bond with them. Men should help bridge the gap between their families and the person joining their family as a member. Along with that, both of them need time on their own as well to cope with the change they are about to experience.

Since I am the eldest child, I also wanted to set a decorum in the house so that when I leave, my parents get along with the rest of the kids. I wanted them to be friends, so my evenings along with wedding-related work were also spent with my family and all of us making an effort to gel in. I also wanted them to get rid of the age-old idea that daughters don’t visit after marriage and all they are is absent, making occasional appearances on Eid. No one can let go of their families. You can certainly have two, but you cannot let go of one.

Trust me, it was a lot. And I had my breaking points too but the best advice is to take care of yourself. Make sure that you are well rested and well fed, otherwise, it makes you cranky.

And the time is such that you are bound to crack under pressure and have arguments, so the best that you can do for yourself is take breaks, take baby steps, and prioritize your mental health. The most important lesson that I have learned in this journey is to find yourself. Know who you are and what your principles are; if you are sure about all of that, you will know how to deal with situations. The trust that you develop in yourself and your abilities will no longer scare you of life and what it has in store for you. The idea of being the perfect woman is ingrained in us so much that we go beyond our capacity to accommodate others but that will only wear us out over time.

Do what makes you happy and if you think that a task is beyond your capacity, do not do it. Understand that saying no does not always mean disrespecting people, rather it is an attempt to take care of your own mental health, which is very important in order for you to make it through.

cover image via wedmegood.com

Maati Tv